Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
