My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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