I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
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