i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
