Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Randomize
