I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
