Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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