I wanna bring you to show and tell
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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