Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
