I can't breathe out the right side of my face
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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