Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
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