she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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