What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
