You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
