On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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