I just threw up on my dentist
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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