Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
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