Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
