I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Randomize
