hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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