My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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