eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
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