but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Randomize
