omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
