At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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