I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Randomize
