It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
