Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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