life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
