shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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