After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
