My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
