You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
