so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
