Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
