i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
