you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
