i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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