it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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