I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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