I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
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