Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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