Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
