well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
