Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
And then my night got REAL pukey
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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