just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
