Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
