Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
