Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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