it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
