i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
