idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
