boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Randomize
