I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Decided in my tanked state last night purchase 2 weeks worth of xanax, so I can guess my way thru this week and finals. Soberly, I decided it would be a great way to test my knowledge of finance.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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