that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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