i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I need to calm my uterus...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Randomize
