There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
