If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
