I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
