You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Randomize
