I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
